Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hair Club for Men

Ah, Craigslist.  You provide all of us with hours and hours of entertainment.  This guy is looking for advice on what he should do with his body hair to make him more attractive to women.  Obviously, he hasn't heard that women are into intangibles (i.e. money, status, and a sense of humor), not hair maintenance. 

Part of me wants to respond to his questions and help him out.  Honestly, I admire his frankness.  The rest of me is laughing at his ability to describe his armpit hair.  What advice would you give him about hair maintenance for men?
If you ladies of Craigslist could answer some basic questions about body hair maintenance you will not only have my eternal gratitude, but who knows, maybe I'll get my shit together one of these days and you're good deed will be rewarded by a well quaffed body and junk. I assume the rules are not universal, so I'll describe myself briefly. I'm about 6' tall and 185 pounds. Roughly that translates to solid man body. I've got muscles and can fill up a space but I'm not super ripped, nor am I slender enough to be lithe. If I were a narcissistic schmo with body issues I'd be telling myself I look like Russell Crow. To be clear, I'm not saying I have Russell Crow's body, I'm saying that if dropped everything else and dedicated myself to adding fifteen or twenty pounds of lean muscle to my body, that would be the body I would be shooting for.

I don't want to mess with my chest hair, it has a really nice shape, it's thick enough but soft and tapers off well before it gets to the shoulder. Stomach hair I can take or leave though. As it is, there's a pretty well pronounced happy trail plus about a four inch diameter ploom of thin dark hair radiating from the belly button. Arm hair is really no problem, I've got enough to not look like a child but I singed and re-singed my arms every day for two years at a factory job in highschool, so arms aren't really an issue. I'm also pretty happy my level of leg hair, though I do get hair on my toes. Is that a problem? I'd be perfectly comfortable getting rid of that. My back, thank God, is hairless and I can pluck the occaisonal spider hair from my shoulders. Armpit hair, a bit unruly and tends to want to always stick straight out. This means that when I fold my arms their are often hairs sticking out straight forward as if they are aiming in front of me.

Finally, the junk/butt region. I got no hair on my ass cheeks, but things get pretty dense in between. I shaved in between there once on a lark and spent a very sad week with a stubbly butt. When I was a teenger my friends told me it was real important to shave one's pubes so that the business looks bigger. I was both pretty well naturally endowed such that making it appear bigger wasn't a concern, and, frankly I wasn't getting laid anyway so I never got in the habit of tidying up.

Now that you know more than anyone could possibily want to about my body and its hair than you could possibily want or need please, if it's not too much trouble could you please answer the following with an eye towards making a girl enjoy seeing me naked.

I'll start easy:
1) Toe hair, issue or no?
2) If I'm not gonna shave my chest is it best to just leave the stomach be as well? If no, what shoud be trinned and what, if anything should stay.
3) Is hair btween my butt cheeks a problem? If yes, can you recommend a strategy other than a safety razor?
4) I'd feel rediculous shaving my armpits, but the hair does poke out in a less than Fred Astaire manner. Can I trim it? Will it look like I trimmed it, i.e. would that be noticeable, and if it were to be noticed, would that be a problem at all?
5) Finally, the junk. I know it's gotta be trimmed, it's a damn jungle down there, but how. Should it be uniform throughout. Is there a good length to go with, I was thinking like a number 2 or 3 guard. Anything fancy I should consider? Are there parts that really ought to be totally hairless. That kinda thing.

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